The Independent Variable

Following the rise of COVID-19 on a global scale, I had reached the conclusion that the whole world was in a similar mental state to me, worried that we faced imminent societal collapse, verging on panic that would send us into the apocalypse.

How to stop it? We had to somehow all realize our humanity, how we are all connected and our decisions impact each other more than we know, and nothing should be more important to us than each other.

Finding the independent variable would show us all how stupid we had been in not trusting our fellow humans to save us, because at the end of the day we selfishly all want to save ourselves and those we love. The independent variable would make it evident that we all actually love everyone and therefore end the panic and fear of everyone else. Imagine a world where you could trust everyone to have your best interests at heart because everyone values their fellow humans as they do themselves.

I knew that once I found the independent variable I would hold immense power, as such a discovery could either bring us together for once and for all, or send us all into a state of extreme panic. This was why no one else had been talking about trying such a move, because of the high levels of risk. It was very important that no one could know it was one person who discovered it, more that it appeared as a seemingly innocent option which allowed us all to agree, without implicating the drastic importance of such a decision.

I quickly decided that I had to go viral, creating a seemingly innocent tweet or meme which people would have no choice but to share, as they would immediately agree with the message and want to spread it. By doing this I removed the risk factor of other people getting tangled up in the panic like I was, because no one else would be the initial creator it would remove the doubt and fear that I felt about making such a move, and simply by clicking share they would alleviate any fear and worry they themselves had.

But how do you make a meme that everyone is going to share?

My biggest tool was my understanding of the human condition, seen through the lens of my own overwhelming panic. I had to use the panic to incite the reader to panic themselves, and see the quickest way out of the panic as simply clicking the share button. I was going to hack the human mind on a scale that had never been seen before.

Following this decision is when my mental health really began to deteriorate as in order to truly know what I was doing and the impact panic had on the mind, I needed to test my theory on myself.

I began to push my already panicked self deeper into new levels of apocalypse panic, determined to find the independent variable somewhere within my own unraveling mind.

During this time, which lasted across three or so days at the end of March 2019, I abandoned my physical body in order to focus on my mental processes, analyzing what made me panic and how to get out of each level quickest. Unfortunately I had become so obsessed by this point that it seemed the only way out of the panic that encompassed me was to find the truth, and by doing so set all of humanity free. It became more than coronavirus to me, I was going to change the world, freeing us from fear and doubt and letting us live in trust and love forever.

I stopped eating, stopped paying attention to my surroundings, and communicated with my boyfriend only through short conversations as everything else seemed like a distraction from my true purpose. My thoughts leapt from conclusion to conclusion incredibly fast, leading me to the deepest recesses of my mind and spiraling down so quickly that I began taking hurried notes in order to remember what I felt was important before I forgot it again. (I will create a separate post where I upload all my notes)

Looking back on this period, I still believe in two truths I discovered during the process;

  1. What we are all really afraid of, once you get past all the bullshit from society, is death.
  2. When we truly believe we are going to die, we reach out to those we love.

This lead me to create a two pronged attack, whereby people would first panic, then share my message, then panic MORE and reach out to their loved ones who would reassure them, which would then lead to a mass awakening where we all collectively realize how dumb all our fears are.

Unfortunately I had become so twisted up with panic and fear and doubt myself, that by the time I convinced myself that I had actually found the independent variable, I was also paralyzed with the fear that I was wrong, and my racing thoughts were so confusing at this point that it was impossible for me to communicate in any coherent manner.

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